if i were a painter…

It started with frolicking bunnies on a hill…

And hard work till 3 am coz i had to finish some work to hand in today.

Then up early for theatre.

And Mrs Lingam my most-awesome-made in Malaysia-uber enthusiastic-super motivated-ultra supportive-consultant supervisor gave me a good appraisal for my work and signed off my forms. My work is done! I’m freeeeeee
And then I had a phone call - I got the job offer, and I accepted it!!!! 

I had the job interview yesterday, and only started preparing for it on Monday, though I had the whole of last week to prepare. Last week, I felt so pre-menstrual, low, downcast, tired, un-confident, un-willing to do the job, worthless, stressed, worried, depressed… it was BAD. I allowed myself to think I was not good enough for the job, that I didn’t want it, that I wanna go to London, or even to Malaysia, rather than stay in Leicester for the next 2 years, including a year of it in the no-social-life Accident and Emergency department. Doing management and leadership training! What in the world!

So it was a battle between me and surrendering to the fact that God knows what He’s doing, and I should trust Him decide my future. And only on Saturday after a long walk with a good friend, we prayed together and gave everything we felt to Him. And felt peace.

On monday and tues, had the most nerve-wrecking time preparing for my interview. Had to write and memorise a 5 minute presentation on “Medical Leadership”, and make a personal development plan (had no idea what it was till tues!). The interview went really well. Actually really enjoyed it!

And I just knew God was with me through it all, giving me the words to say, giving me favour from friends and Mrs Lingam who supported me all the way and pep-talked me through it. Am so privileged and blessed to have such amazing people around me! Thanks guys.

And I had an email today from the medical school concerning some trouble I had, and it was so reassuring, and I just knew that God had delivered me from all my fears.

Everything that had worried me and stressed me out for the past week has been swept away by the mercy of God. Why did I even doubt in the first place? Or try to figure things out and confuse myself even more?

Just gotta keep reminding myself to TRUST God, coz only He knows the big picture, and where my life is heading. Coz from the way things are going, it’s out of my control! And that is the best way to go, I think.

This is actually an email i wrote to my parents. I think it says it all.

Dear Dad and Mom,
 
I applied for a job that incorporated training in clinical management a few weeks back. It involves 2 years of training in Leicester, specifically in the accident and emerygency department. I thought getting management skills training would be a great skill to bring back to malaysia, and i think i’ll get a diploma after that in management and leadership.
 
I got shortlisted for the interview. Got a call today. 17 people got shortlisted, out of which 12 will be chosen. It’s in 2 weeks time. The thing is i’m not sure if i want the job now! I’ve been working so hard on my audit for the past few days and felt convicted as to why i’m working so hard for the health service here, when there’re bigger needs back home that i’m not really thinking about. It’s like i got a check in my priorities for medicine. It’s so easy to get caught up in the flow of career ladder climbing and to forget the real reason why i’m doing medicine. And doing obs and gynae and delivering babies and participating in the joy of seeing a fetus alive after a threatened miscarriage just got me thinking more about what i wanna do, and can do, with my life to help other lives.

So yesterday night i thought to myself that i just wanna go home next year! So i got a bit thrown off guard when i got shortlisted for the interview. i should be over the moon with it, but now i don’t even know if i want to stay here longer! i guess the interview experience would probably be good for me, and getting shortlisted in itself is a miracle coz it’s harder for non-Uk non-EU citizens. And hopefully since this is a great opportunity and if i get it, JPA will let me do it before going home.
 
But yeah, right now my heart seems to be in the jungles of sarawak. Haha.. weird huh. Please pray for me that God will give clear direction, and that His will be done whatever the outcome of the interview is. It’s on Oct 15.
 
Love lots.