if i were a painter…

Today I met Mr D again. I first met him 2 weeks ago quite randomly when I turned up last minute for a pleural effusion clinic, i.e. a chest clinic to drain fluid from the lungs.

Some tests were done on the fluid drained and he was also sent for a bronchoscopy. He was such a gentle and peaceful guy.. didnt need sedation for his bronchoscopy (which is a really uncomfortable procedure).

Anyway, he was diagnosed with lung cancer.

I met him randomly today when I decided (last minute again) to turn up for the pleural effusion clinic coz my other clinic was cancelled. I asked him how he was and he smiled gently and replied "Not too good I’m afraid". He’s been increasingly breathless and the chest x-ray showed more extensive lung involvement. One of his eyes was going blind, suggesting brain metastases.

At one point he looked at me and gave me a bright and brave smile. Reminded me of my own dad smiling at me. But he broke down and cried several times too during the consultation. I felt like crying too.

He doesnt have long to live. He’s 85, and will be celebrating his 61st wedding anniversary on Friday. At least he had a long fulfilling life.

People life, people die… that’s a fact of life. Yet death is still so hard to accept. Especially when it creeps up and pounces suddenly. Even more when it happens to someone you love.

Seeing these old people made me think of my parents. And how much I miss them.. i havent spoken to them for almost a month! I hope they are well and that they know that I love them very much.

I didnt realise I had the capacity to snarl and yell at someone in such a mean way. But I am ashamed to admit that I do.

Gosh, what have I picked up over the years??!!!

2 days ago I had some trouble with my phone contract. (Me and mobile phone contracts dont seem to agree very much no matter how hard I try). The operator in Customer Service said he couldnt help me.

At that point, I’d usually drop the matter and move on with life.. like I normally do. I avoid haggling confrontations if I can help it. I’d rather give in and get on with it than make a big fuss which may amount to nothing, but at the expense of both parties stress levels.

But this time, there was 168 pounds at stake.. and I was quite distressed about it. So my friend told me "Fight Abi! Customer service wont listen unless you make a fuss! Ask to speak to the manager! Complaint about the service and say you’ll report them!"

So yesterday, I went to battle with the phone company operators. Man, I havent raised my voice so loudly and forcefully at someone this badly EVER. I didnt imagine I could be so sarcastic and argumentative either. I was very amazed and quite impressed at my vocal skills.

But i think my blood pressure probably went up several mmHgs higher!!!

In the end they didnt wanna budge, so i ended up filing a complaint letter. Wow.. felt like I was on a vengeance mission.

Think I couldnt have done it if not for the support of my friends.

Felt so worked up I had to go for a 2 hour walk last night to calm down. Phew!

At the end of the night, I felt quite bad for losing my temper.. it gets you to a high.. all the adrenaline sploshing about.. but is it really worth it? I dont think so. The operators would probably tell me the same thing whether I was forceful or not. And so I guess being aggressive aint really my cuppa tea. I asked God to forgive me for being rude to the operators.. coz i was

But its nice to know though, that I am capable of an aggressive vocal confrontation.. if a situation demands it. Hopefully this wild cat will be put back into its cage.

It’s been quite an emotionally rocky 2 weeks for me. Last week, I spoke to a man who came into hospital with acute pneumonia. He was in pretty bad shape coz they had to bring him into the Resuscitation unit. But then, at that time I didnt think it was that bad.. i mean, he was reasonably healthy, just got a bad cough 4 days ago. And I even reassured him that he was going to be fine. He thanked me for taking care of him.

He died suddenly 4 hours later.

Life is so transient.. as Shakespeare said (if i correctly remember) "Life is like a fleeting shadow, a poor player who goes and struts about his hour on the stage, then is no more."

The next day, I met this lady who was given the bad news that she had terminal cancer.

Death is real. And inevitable. Yet so hard to deal with. It’s an age-old tangible reality that we humans can’t explain till now. What happens after death? What or who determines the point of death?

Who knows the answers to these difficult questions but the Creator of life and death itself.

I realised something about myself too.. after listening to a consultation in which bad news is given to a patient, I find myself not remembering anything after the the bad news was given. I think I just go all emotional and switch off my medical brain.

Really interesting…And i always thought i had good control over my emotions (usually). Maybe not when it comes to issues of living and dying.

I love life. I cherish life. I believe God made humans and life around us to be enjoyed, to thrive, to flourish in harmony like a perfect symphony. And I really pray that my friends would and could enjoy the beautiful life as God meant it to be.

Last Friday I had a great night out with my friends.. dancing away…having the time of my life.

Got home at 230 am, went to bed at 3 am. Got a text from my sister in Msia:

‘Aunty Fatima passed away. Tell Grace.’

Words can’t describe how I feel. Sad? Shocked? Upset?
I started sobbing..
It was unexpected.

She was a dear aunt… not related by blood, but by stronger bonds of love. Knew her every since i can
remember…

She had the biggest heart in the world. She didnt have much, but what she had she gave freely…

Many things to learn from her.

I know she’s in a better place, but I wish I could just hug her once more…

I’m so upset
I hate money. I feel like such a klutz around money. I seem to find myself buying  things I dont really need. It makes fun of me. Like

Expensive white blouse - button some more came off before i wore it properly. Grrrrr
My 3 phone incident. Man… that was painful. Paying through my nose for a contract I didnt use.

And today I got FINED by the London trains company for not having a ticket. Grrrr… apparently my travel card wasnt valid. 20 quid just like that. So sakit….

And buying a book I dont really need, and an expensive mp3 player which went bust. Sigh… so depressing.

A cheer up text: "Realised it’s the little things dat steal our God given peace :)"
Thanks Kojo.

Pada suatu hari, saya bersama dengan 14 orang kawan berkunjung ke Yorkshire Dales. Kami mendaki bukit dan berkelah di sana selama 4 hari dan 3 malam.

Woahhhh.. That was HARD. Man… wonder how i’m gonna communicate when I get back to Malaysia to work. Dah lah my Chinese so sat pai. And i’m getting used to putting on a fake english accent (just to amuse myself) when I speak to my British friends. heheh..syiok sendiri.

ANyway, i went with a couple of Christian medics to the rolling moors and hills of Yorkshire Dales last Sat. It was awesome. We didnt plan for any bible study or prayer meeting or anything.. it was just meant to be chilled out. But it was lovely… God was still in everything. Conversations ranged from downright silly - "Chavs are skinny people.. there are no Chavs in the countryside" to serious stuff about God. Oh yeah.. ‘Chav’ is just the british version of ‘jinjang’.

It was beautiful coz nobody told anyone to do anything.. people just volunteered to cook, wash up, clean up, help out… it was just pleasant. And everyone was just themselves.. unique… and i caught myself thinking "Man, I’ll be missing out even if ONE of these people were not here." I guess that’s almost how heaven is like.. where people are themselves.. unique.. alive.. and loving towards one another. And there were all different peoples and nationalities: Chinese, welsh, english, greek, south african, ghanian.. only thing that bound us together was the love of Christ.

Best moments: Rolling around in a field full of dandelions, dancing in the car park, skipping on stones in the river, climbing a percarious rock clift, sitting under a waterfall, exploring caves..

Man, nature is wonderful. I felt like a total wild woman. In fact i went wild…….. oh yeah baby…. even fertilised the grass twice

Blissful indeed.