if i were a painter…

Last saturday was a gorgeous day. met up with old friends i haven’t seen for ages. But the beauty of old friends is that you don’t have to keep in touch, but when u meet, it’s as if time stood still and things are just the same, as always….

Then at night, had dinner with my ex-housemate. She was a bit ill…had a cold. And i was boasting that i was as strong as a horse and havent been sick in ages and I wished i was sick so that i didnt have to attend my classes this week. It was a great evening… talked my throat sore…

Be careful what you wish for!

Next day, I was fine…but as the day wore on… i started having chills… sore throat…weird headaches (like someone jabbing a knife on some funny part of my head e.g. earlobe). And worst, i had a friend over to fix my laptop..and he stayed till 2 am. I enjoyed his company… we chatted…laughed…but as the night wore on, i felt worst… and he still chatted… and i drifted in and out of the shadows…

The next day I was down with a full blown flu. Never understood how "flu" can keep someone in bed. Till now. And it’s "stomoch flu", which is even weirder. I had pains in my head and all over, but the fever was not in my head, but in my body. My head was relatively cool… so I didnt have feverish fantasies… Just a heat around my body, and yet a chill from the inside.

Now i’m still housebound, but feeling a bit more ok…thanks to paracetamol. Took 5 yesterday! Gosh…never took so many tablets in my life. I’m anti-medication..though my future job would be drug-pushing. What a paradox.

Also many infectious kisses to my lovely housemates, especially V who’s been taking care of me. XXXXXXXXXXX

last thursday, i went for a dinner in a posh tosh french restaurant. FRENCH FOOD IS GOOOODDDDD!!!!!

anyway, at the dinner there were 2 couples who got engaged recently. one was my coursemate.. right after our big exam, her boyfriend whisked her off to the 10th floor of the building, had champainge (how do u spell that?) and got down on one knee. sweet. i guess he kinda knew she’d say yes coz he’d booked tickets for them to go on a one day trip to rome the next day. hmmm…what if she said no??

the other couple are taiwanese. the girl used to live in opal court where i was last year. anyway, her fiance is this big time consultant for an aeronautics firm in boston. and he had done a phD in MIT, which apparently takes 7 years. so he must be earning millions. got her a 1.4 karat diamond ring (dunno what that means, but the rock was shiny and huge) and they had their engagement party in a 6 star hotel in taipei, and she’s gonna have vera wang do her wedding dress and jimmy choo 300 pound shoes to boot. ahh..the lifestyle of the rich. dont even have to be famous.

on the same night, my housemate had a friend over who just got engaged too. his story is even more sensational. apparently his mom was at a hospital in his country and met this lady radiologist doctor. the mom didnt know the doctor, but went up to her and said "i need to speak to you in private for just 2 minutes". after persisting, she managed to take the doctor aside. the mom then said "i have a son studying in london and i think you’ll make the perfect wife for him."

Imagine someone telling you that!! the doctor said she didnt even know the lady’s son. and the mom whipped out her phone, called the son, and hand the phone to the doctor. they apparently knew each other vaguely…kinda like a friendster connection…and now…less than 1 year…they’re engaged. mom’s the way to go.

all in all this year, i know of 3 weddings in june, 2 in july, 1 in august, 1 in october and 1 in december. and they all lived happily ever after….

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.   
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven…

For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even tax collectors do the same?

~Jesus

I am still reeling from the overpowering demands of this simple challenge.

Much easier to kill off the enemies methinks. Or to just ignore them… blank them from my mind.

But to love?! and keep loving someone so unreasonable, so irritating, so annoying, so spiteful, so mean??

And this love - it demands action. Proof. Because in that, there is power.

A power that could change governments.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall - Think of it, ALWAYS. Mahatma Gandhi

Sighhhhhhhhhhhh………..

When I think about it, I am so blessed! Yesterday a friend took me out for dinner and a movie, and today I had people cook me lunch and dinner. Life is good…

And it’s so easy to enjoy life with people who love you, and to love them back..coz it’s easy to love them.

Yet… there remains the challenge. So easily overlooked, so easily forgotten, so easily displaced by feelings of hurt, anger, fear…

I need more character building

From the book ‘11 minutes’ by Paolo Coelho:

Once upon a time there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvellous feathers. In short he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide with amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement….

But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird…..

And she thought: ‘I’m going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again.’

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird everyday. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: ‘Now you have everything you could possibly want.’ However, a strange transformation began to take place: Now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember his cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realised that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

So did she really love him? I mean, she took care of him, despite him growing ugly etc… She did love him for who he was, and it wasn’t just physical.

And yet, love shouldn’t shouldn’t put someone in a cage either. Coz that’s insecurity. And

"There is no fear in love, but Perfect love drives out all fear." 1 John 4:18 

But no doubt he did love her too…otherwise he wouldn’t have wanted to enter the cage.

Whatever it is, i just happen to like the story. Coz it’s seems quite real…in a metaphorical sense..not just about ‘love’…but about how women could set traps for men hehehehe… and how the ‘feeling of love’ could make people do crazy things…like giving up freedom for a cage.

And yet it made me wonder…perhaps some people…though they do love each other, are just not meant for each other. Coz the cost of being together may be too great.

You know the clinical exam that i failed in Dec and had to re-sit?(which i passed the 2nd time) i was going to bed 2 nights ago when it hit me..

If i had failed that again, I would have to re-sit the whole WRITTEN PAPER and clinical exam again. Cruel cruel medical school.

But I escaped! And it’s truly by the mercy of God. I had really nice examiners.

I got an Excellent for my written paper…but it would have been NOTHING if i’d failed the clinical.

That’s so humbling… to know that without God, even my brains won’t be quite enough. G.O.D. I.S. R.E.A.L. (Not just because He helped me pass my exams…but because He is). And God loves ME!!!

…………………………………………………………………………

Interestingly, there was this examiner who failed quite a few people in the clinical re-sit (thank God he wasn’t my examiner!)who died suddenly the weekend after the exam from complications from a twisted volvulus of his large bowel. Wow.. some people must not have liked him very much…

4 pm, Friday 12 January 2007. A time i’ll never forget.

Was waiting outside the med school with WInnie, Josh and Ruthy. Didnt wanna go in..many ppl were already inside, waiting in front of the notice boards. Pressure cooker atmosphere. We figured we’d hear some screams and yells when people got their results.

Silence. Saw some people walk out of the building. Silent. Unexpressionless. Figured that the results were out, so we went in. Passed a few people in the corridor. A few nods.. but the expressions were indiscernable. Couldn’t interpret the nods. Went to the noticeboard. Scanned for my number.

PHEWWWWWWWW.

Give thanks to the LORD for He is good, His love endures forever.

I passed. Everything.

Re-checked again to make sure. Felt light. And surprisingly numb. 

All around me was a strained silence. 42 people had to re-sit. Which is about a quarter of the year. Maybe more. Very sobering indeed. I know at least 12 people resitting.

I don’t even feel estatic that i passed. Just RELIEVED. And very thankful.

I’m half a doctor now! Call me doc:)

Coz that means tomorrow’s gonna come quickly.

Oh miaaannnnnn…….

I want Lola.

Sighhhh……….

Also reading a book..a collection of stories by Leo Tolstoy. Called "Divine and Human." A beautiful passage from A Coffee House in the City of Surat:

"And tell me now, whose temple can compare with that which was created by God himself when he wanted to unite all people into one faith? All human temples are copies of this temple - that is the world created by God.  All temples have domes and ceilings, all temples have lanterns, icons, images, inscriptions, books of laws, sacrifices, alters and priests. Which temple has a bath as great as the world’s oceans, or a dome as high as the heavenly dome, or lanterns like the sun, moon and stars; or images such as people living together, loving and helping each other? ………Where is the book of law more easily understood than the law of love, which is written in our hearts? Where are the sacrifices equal to the ones people give everyday to those they love?……..

"The more one tries to understand God, the closer one will come to him, reflecting God’s goodness, mercy and love to everyone."

Life, as God meant it to be, is beautiful…..

Ironic isn’t it, that I’m reading a book about a prostitute at the same time? (read my earlier post) And yet, that too, is life…

In less than 24 hours I’ll be getting all my exam results. And to be plain honest, I am scared shitless.

Surprised?? I AM surprised at myself. I was never really scared about exam results…except maybe SPM. But not this much.

You see, last november I thought I passed a clinical exam. But. I. Didn’t. And I had to re-sit it. I passed it the 2nd time though.

I never regretted it though. Was a S.T.R.O.N.G. reminder that

"The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD." Proverbs 21:31.

So no matter how hard I work my ass off for something, it is God who ultimately determines my future. And I trust that He is FAITHFUL and LOVING no matter what happens. I.e. whether I pass or fail. And sometimes it’s good to fail…taught me so much more about trusting God..and being humble…and not to rely on my own strength. And if I were to fail any exam, that was a good one to fail..coz they give u 3 tries…and it’s not really counted towards anything (coz we havent really officially started clinical blocks yet). God is merciful indeed..phew….

Psalm 125:1 - Those who TRUST in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which CANNOT be moved, but abides forever.

Psalm 55:22 - Cast your burden upon the LORD and He shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

I am not asking for God to give me great results (though that will be nice). Nor am I asking for God to let me fail to teach me more lessons (God forbid, enough learning for now!). But what I ask is the strength to be steadfast..unwavering…continueing..in believing in His unfailing LOVE.

Am currently reading ‘11 minutes’ by Paolo Coelho. He wrote ‘The Alchemist’ too..which is a superb book.

11 minutes starts by introducing us to a young Brazilian girl called Maria..who like every (or many) little girls have dreams of a Prince Charming (like in Snow White and Cinderella etc) who would come and sweep her off her feet and they would live happily ever after. But the years go by..and life’s experiences have a way of dampening your childhood ideals, in which case Maria ended up being a prostitute in Switzerland (not gonna tell HOW, you gotta read it yourself). It’s strange, I visited the Red Light District in Amsterdam last year.. peered through thoses glass box rooms with prostitutes, and really wondered what they were thinking and how they ended up there. BY CHOICE. They seem almost un-human in a way…coz prostitution is so often a hush-hush after-dark taboo subject which nobody really discusses. And seeing them so openly…was kinda numbing to know that they are REAL people. Individuals.

Anyway, Maria (in the story) writes in her diary:

"I am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important than the eleven minutes - love.

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of enslavement. Well that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives himself or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free."

"That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

Isn’t that just beautiful?? When 2 people love each other they don’t own each other..yet they know that they belong to each other no matter what…and they are free…

Sighhh……..

P.S. 11 minutes is the length of time they actually HAVE sex. Other times they spend entertaining, dancing etc with the client. Funny how a thing so brief can be your defining identity.

Yet..it is ironic that many people do let small incidents define a huge portion of their lives e.g. a small misunderstanding resulting in estranged family ties.

Sometimes we just have to throw off our past baggage and get on with life.