if i were a painter…

How do I explain this - I feel so tired and drained on the outside, yet there’s this inside part of me that is cool and knows that I should keep going coz “every little thing’s gonna be alright”.

It’s like I’m not depressed, but am not exactly bursting into song either coz it’s seems like a long slog..ongoing, and ahead. I have my final exams in about 7 weeks. After 5 years of medical school, it’s finally Finals, and I can’t wait to get it over and done with! I feel as though I’ve read some things too many times (than I care to count), and yet, I feel as though there’re floating in and out of my brain space when I want them to just stay put. Blearrggh..:p

Alright, enough of moaning about revision! God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. So ultimately I just gotta remind myself everyday that God brought me to England and medical school here, and He’ll finish what He’s started. Carry on carry on….

So what’s been happening to me? Too much. Suffice to say, the last few months have been a big discovery lesson on the nature of love and faith and trusting in God for who He is, despite not understanding the WHYs and HOWs of things. I think after all the amazing things God has done in my life (Mozambique, this scholarship, everything), there is no reason not to trust His goodness.. and no better way to do anything either.

So that’s it for now. Whatever ounce of energy I have now, I need to reserve it for long hospital days of talking to patients, thinking, and learning on the go and more learning at night. Ah, such a privilege to be in medical school! Well objectively, it is a blessing to get into med school and survive it, though I’m starting to understand why most women, after 5 years of med school decide to quit and be housewives. Haha.. but that’s another story..

It started with frolicking bunnies on a hill…

And hard work till 3 am coz i had to finish some work to hand in today.

Then up early for theatre.

And Mrs Lingam my most-awesome-made in Malaysia-uber enthusiastic-super motivated-ultra supportive-consultant supervisor gave me a good appraisal for my work and signed off my forms. My work is done! I’m freeeeeee
And then I had a phone call - I got the job offer, and I accepted it!!!! 

I had the job interview yesterday, and only started preparing for it on Monday, though I had the whole of last week to prepare. Last week, I felt so pre-menstrual, low, downcast, tired, un-confident, un-willing to do the job, worthless, stressed, worried, depressed… it was BAD. I allowed myself to think I was not good enough for the job, that I didn’t want it, that I wanna go to London, or even to Malaysia, rather than stay in Leicester for the next 2 years, including a year of it in the no-social-life Accident and Emergency department. Doing management and leadership training! What in the world!

So it was a battle between me and surrendering to the fact that God knows what He’s doing, and I should trust Him decide my future. And only on Saturday after a long walk with a good friend, we prayed together and gave everything we felt to Him. And felt peace.

On monday and tues, had the most nerve-wrecking time preparing for my interview. Had to write and memorise a 5 minute presentation on “Medical Leadership”, and make a personal development plan (had no idea what it was till tues!). The interview went really well. Actually really enjoyed it!

And I just knew God was with me through it all, giving me the words to say, giving me favour from friends and Mrs Lingam who supported me all the way and pep-talked me through it. Am so privileged and blessed to have such amazing people around me! Thanks guys.

And I had an email today from the medical school concerning some trouble I had, and it was so reassuring, and I just knew that God had delivered me from all my fears.

Everything that had worried me and stressed me out for the past week has been swept away by the mercy of God. Why did I even doubt in the first place? Or try to figure things out and confuse myself even more?

Just gotta keep reminding myself to TRUST God, coz only He knows the big picture, and where my life is heading. Coz from the way things are going, it’s out of my control! And that is the best way to go, I think.

This is actually an email i wrote to my parents. I think it says it all.

Dear Dad and Mom,
 
I applied for a job that incorporated training in clinical management a few weeks back. It involves 2 years of training in Leicester, specifically in the accident and emerygency department. I thought getting management skills training would be a great skill to bring back to malaysia, and i think i’ll get a diploma after that in management and leadership.
 
I got shortlisted for the interview. Got a call today. 17 people got shortlisted, out of which 12 will be chosen. It’s in 2 weeks time. The thing is i’m not sure if i want the job now! I’ve been working so hard on my audit for the past few days and felt convicted as to why i’m working so hard for the health service here, when there’re bigger needs back home that i’m not really thinking about. It’s like i got a check in my priorities for medicine. It’s so easy to get caught up in the flow of career ladder climbing and to forget the real reason why i’m doing medicine. And doing obs and gynae and delivering babies and participating in the joy of seeing a fetus alive after a threatened miscarriage just got me thinking more about what i wanna do, and can do, with my life to help other lives.

So yesterday night i thought to myself that i just wanna go home next year! So i got a bit thrown off guard when i got shortlisted for the interview. i should be over the moon with it, but now i don’t even know if i want to stay here longer! i guess the interview experience would probably be good for me, and getting shortlisted in itself is a miracle coz it’s harder for non-Uk non-EU citizens. And hopefully since this is a great opportunity and if i get it, JPA will let me do it before going home.
 
But yeah, right now my heart seems to be in the jungles of sarawak. Haha.. weird huh. Please pray for me that God will give clear direction, and that His will be done whatever the outcome of the interview is. It’s on Oct 15.
 
Love lots.

I’m at home alone this summer. My housemates have gone on holiday to Thailand and the USA respectively. I’m staying in Leicester to work on a research project.. and basically because I’ve already gone back to Malaysia in May for Abraham’s wedding. And also because I get paid £180 a week

It’s such a different experience. Working regular hours in the lab, coming home, cooking, cleaning, feeding the gerbills, watering the plants, entertaining guests in between… not that I normally don’t cook, clean or work (haha..i wish!), but i haven’t had this TOTAL responsibility of running the house and actually caring for living things (or risk them dying!). Usually there’re housemates to share the workload with. In fact it strangely feels easier that I’m the only one doing it coz I just get on with it, and not feel stressed by the feeling of needing to share jobs or cleaning up after someone else (now i just sound terribly selfish don’t I? But i don’t mean it in a selfish way.. just saying that it’s less stressful and draining).

Am actually loving this experience.. despite being alone in the house. It actually feels good to be comfortable with just myself, and pottering around getting things done in my own time with no disruptions. I think it also helps to actually have work to do and friends to visit when I get bored! Anyhow I’m actually finding it really liberating to feel that I can live by myself and not feel dependant on anybody. 

Which brings me to a next thought…I was thinking today that if I have an enjoyable career, and a solid group of friends around me, I don’t really see the need to marry or have a ‘life partner’ or whatever they’re called. From the sound of it, a relationship is so much hassle for someone who may not even appreciate it in the end! Ok, am not bitter about anything, but just pondering… after hearing stories lately about women who were left by men who cited the ‘fell out of love’ bullcrap as the reason for leaving. Only problem about this not caring about marrying is that I want kids… and that’s where I actually need a man… unless another immaculate conception occurs..haha! Well there’s adoption i suppose..but its not really the same thing…

Am finding a deeper meaning to the commonly used phrased "God is more than enough for me" because it’s so true.. God is providing everything I need now.. and its so liberating not having to crave the love of any man! And anyway, I know for sure that only Jesus’ love never fails…

I’m not a total feminist. I do think men and women can complement  each other beautifully and accomplish magic when it happens. Unfortunately being magic, we can’t just make it up. But for now till some magic appears in my life, it’s such a grand feeling to feel FREE.

I hate publicly writing about myself, what I’ve been doing, and what’s going on coz it seems weird… but I guess this blog deserves an update for the benefit of my friends out there, far and near in space, though distance don’t apply to some as you’re always in my heart (you gals know who you are!).

A month ago I went back to penang for Abraham’s wedding. It was the best wedding I’ve attended so far. The beach, the sunset, the buffet after with lamb on the spit, the music, aunties, uncles from good ol times, pretty ladies in sun dresses, children, family, laughter and joy (coz it’s a wedding and people are always - usually happy at weddings). Go see the pictures on my facebook. There’s a video on youtube as well (if you’re jobless). Type in Seet Yuan and Abraham’s wedding. Good times…

And of course, did the usual things PEnang is best for - shop, eat, swam in the sea, playing with the doggies. THere’s no place like home.

This year has been so great so far. Blessing after blessing. I’ve never felt in need of anything. Was a bit short of cash once, and when I checked my bank, JPA put in £400 - i’m not sure why, maybe book money. WHen I needed to find a house to rent (and it was very late in the year to find a house! coz all the good ones are usually taken up), God provided one within 24 hours. Awesome house, cheap rent, great location. What more can i ask for? My Jesus is REAL. He listens to me. After all the good stuff that’s been happening, at the back of my mind I wondered when it’s gonna end and is there a catch anywhere? But good news is there isn’t. It’s so human to think that we must DO something to get good stuff, or we got good stuff coz we’ve been good, or something bad will happen to balance out the good stuff we’ve been having. RUBBISH.

All this blessings I’ve been experiencing is solely because I have a great God who LOVES me unconditionally and who promises me that I shall never ever lack anything good. Yeah.. so basically it’s not about me, but about Him.

Taste and see that the Lord is GOOD!

Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean that life for Christians is gonna be an easy ride. That’s fantasy. I live in the real world, with real hard stuff going on. But I know that in all things, I have joy and peace that does not depend on my circumstances coz my God is greater than all and I have faith that He works out everything for good in the end. Gotta always believe that the best is yet to come.

Signing off…

After my exams 2 weeks ago, I went off to London to

a) eat some good food!

b) and more good food….

c) cut my hair

d) shop

e) spend time with sis (and potential half)

f) more shopping!

I realised that a lot of the clothes in my wardrobe are from 2 years ago (mostly consisting of t-shirts), and since I’m going on 24 soon, I should do away with my haphazard ‘anything will do’ style of dressing and acquire attire more befitting my age.

But I’ve also come to realise that sometimes I tend to have unrealistic expectations about myself, and whilst I’ve got more clothes to play with (tee hee), I think my dress sense is still as haphazard and temperamental as ever. Ah well…

I went to Covent Garden to cut my hair at my sister’s favourite place. It was a nice posh place which served drinks (and also the most I’ve ever spent on my hair, but working sister paid )

The lady (she’s a LOVELY Japanese lady in the early fifties I think, very motherly-ish, my sister’s fav hairdresser) played around with my hair (which was as unruly, unblown, unstyled as ever) and said "I’m gonna make you look elegant and sophisticated". OK. Yes I need that.

I asked "May I have a fringe?"

She said "No.. you’d have to blow dry it into shape everyday and I don’t think you’d want to do that." OK. Yup, she obviously understands I don’t spend much time on my hair.

She gave me a nice bob and told me to blow dry the sides into shape everyday. Simple. She gravely added "You know, you have a nice face, you just need to put in more effort."

HahahaHAHAhHAhahaAHHahahahahahahaha… I found that strangely hilarious.

But it was the kick in the butt I needed to put more effort into the way I look. Not that I should be more vain, but perhaps it wouldn’t hurt grooming myself a little more as befitting a lady of (soon to be) 24.

So I acquired a hairdryer and hair straightener from my sister (who had gotten it from her friend who went back to USA and left lots of stuff behind including clothes and belts which I’m helping to make use of - oh man, I love charity shopping for free! especially if the person has lots of awesome clothes they dont want *HINT)

So for the past 2 weeks I’ve been faithfully blowing my hair and even straightening it into shape (Quite an achievement! Am quite proud) But being the klutz I am, I broke the hairdryer last week.

At least I still have the hair straighteners!

PS My favourite restaurants in London are ‘Food for talk’ in Covent Garden serving the bestest ever vegetarian food. You’d want to be vegetarian just eating their food (and I’m an established carnivour, so it’s GOOD). And another Indian restaurant called Diwana near Euston. The afternoon Indian buffet is DIVINE.

I passed my exams!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! Am free to bum around for at least half a year more :)

Last Monday I sat in my General Practice surgery and watched as my GP spoke to a 17 year old girl concerning the options she had regarding her unplanned pregnancy. She is of mixed English and Turkish parentage and though her parents were pushing for her to have an abortion, it was clear to me that she didn’t want to abort the baby. But she was afraid of being disowned by her family, afraid of being left to herself to fend for her baby, and afraid of being ostracised by her friends.

The GP told her that abortion was killing a human being inside her, and warned her of the potential consequences of guilt and depression that she may have to live with for the rest of her life. However he also said “Life will be difficult if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy. You will have to work hard to support the baby, and being a young single mother isn’t easy.”

I felt very sad, helpless, and indignant as I observed the situation. Sad because the girl has found herself in that situation, and helpless because the GP didn’t offer her any hope in terms of keeping the baby. And though I am opposed to abortion, I felt helpless and indignant because I was unable to suggest a practical and compassionate alternative to it. I wish I could’ve said “I know a nice place where you can go to have your baby, and after that you may give baby up for adoption, or even take baby home when things have settled at home. If you want, the people there will take care of baby till you are able to support baby.”

I’m a strong believer in the love and power of Christ to redeem broken people and situations, and I believe that as the body of Christ, we are the ones with the ability and with that, the responsibility to intervene and express God’s compassion in this situation.

I sat in the park and prayed for her, the unborn baby, her boyfriend, her family. I thought about the whole thing. I wish there was such a place where people could go, and where kids who would otherwise be aborted have a chance at LIFE.

Is it purely a mother’s right to abort the child? Does the baby have absolutely no right to live? Isn’t it ironic that neonatal units exist to save the very small lives that are being snuffed out as a matter of ’social inconvenience’? (By the way, ’social reasons’ account for 99% of abortions).

Today, the girl came in with her boyfriend. She decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Oh man, that made my day! Because she was brave enough to keep her child, because the baby has a chance at life, and because her boyfriend was there to support her. Praise the Lord!

Her due date is in October, and that’s when I will be doing my Obs and Gynae rotation. Would be so cool if I actually come across her. Who knows..

I am overjoyed

And the weather’s been sunny And I discovered a nice park where the sun shines bright and warm, and where I can sit for 2 hours without getting cold. Life is beautiful…

is like magic.

I was having a bible study with my home group today. We were discussing 1 Corinthians 9 in which Paul says that ministers of God e.g. apostles, pastors deserve their wages because they are doing God’s work.

But Paul was an amazing guy; though he said all this, he himself didn’t take any wage from the church, but worked to support himself.

This made me think of my dad. He founded a church when I was young, pastored full-time (and still does), yet worked full-time as a university lecturer to support the wife and 5 kids. And he did it all passionately. I think he did a good job of bringing up the kids too.. I mean, look at me

Pastoring is already a full-time job - preaching, taking care of people, maintaining a close walk with God.. what more working as a university lecturer AND having 5 lively kids at home! To be fair, he pretty much let us run wild.. but we somehow knew our limits.. he must’ve prayed really hard for us!! Also, we have a good mother. Very important, that.

I know he’s definitely not perfect, but all in all, I think I have an amazing dad! Love you papa… thanks for everything. You rock my world. I’m still waiting for someone as amazing (or better still, even more) to sweep me off my feet.

It was the best of years, but it was also the worst of years.

I had great times, times when I thought "WOW can this get any better??" - and it always does! Phase 1, Phase 2, Prague, Wales, the Yorkshire Dales, Borneo, Ba Kelalan and my ‘adopted family’ there, Sang Sigar, Julia, Uncle Jugah, nocturnal adventures involving boats and bees, 118, Free Trip to Barcelona, Proms, Madrid, South Africa, MOZAMBIQUE… weddings, parties, dancing, singing, family, friendship

And times when I shed bitter tears… when aunty Fatimah died, when my patient was diagnosed with cancer, when I was so broke and my family was upset, when a friend went into prison, when uncle Thomas died…

What a year! I LOVED every moment of it. Even the bad ones (in retrospect), coz in the long run, God always always works all things out for the good of those who love Him. Someone up there’s definitely watching over me. Thank you Jesus.

The BEST is always yet to come… 2008… so far so good

HAPPY 2008 EVERYBODY! I pray you may BE more and more of the great person God meant you to be, and to SHINE! God bless.